Attachment-abandonment issues and trusting others

I qualify for have respite care for annual holidays and have to use it or lose it. This means putting mother into a Rest-home while I have a break. That raises many issues for me as I have heard all the stories of neglect and abuse that can go on in institutions. I know they are businesses and the workers are over-worked and not paid a great amount. From observations of my father being in a home before he died, I got the impression it was just a job to many of the workers, and few would go out of their way to assist.

I have been checking out Rest-homes all year, here and in other geographical locations. When I settled on one, in my own mind, I heard a bad report from someone with a relative in care whom they moved due to not liking the treatment of their loved one. I also read the government's audit report on Rest-homes and issues remain.

Can I safely leave mother in a home, I wonder, and trust in their care for mother to prevent a fall or deterioration in some way? Are the workers trained enough, do they have compassion or are they burnt out? (I am aware that lack of compassion is a sign of burn-out).

 From my contact with other carers, most elderly persons resist the change of going into care, even temporarily. Mother is no different, and I feel guilty about wanting a break sometimes.

I decided to introduce mother slowly to the idea of respite care. She knows that one condition of being able to live with me, is that I get a break and she needs to go into care during that time. So I negotiated with mother to spend a few hours visiting and checking the premises and occupants out in a local Rest-home that has day-care, with a view to staying there in future if it was OK. I chose this home because it was close, modern and had a nice atmosphere. I chose trusting my instincts.

I took mother today, as arranged, and mother happily went off with the diversional therapist coordinator and I watched her go. Then I found I experienced a flood of mixed emotions and tugging on my heart as it was then time for me to leave. I said to the manager "I'm having attachment-abandonment issues" and she laughed saying "she'll be all right. You go and enjoy your break, we will look after her". I left... only after she promised to ring if there were any problems. 

I returned home feeling a relief to know she wasn't that far away and was being looked after. When it was time to return and collect mother, she was sitting in the lounge with others, happily playing a group game. As I arrived, mother stood, turned to those around her and invited them to visit. I suggested it would be easier for them if mother visited them. One of the lovely ladies mother had befriended said her goodbyes and voiced "I hope I remember you".

Mother talked much, reporting about her day and different ones she met, and true to form picked up on all the concerns she sensed and began to worry about who was taking care of them and the issue.

Mother appreciated I had been honest with her about going to the home, and I remembered to time informing her, so mother would not have too much time to stress about going. She appears to have liked the environment enough to consider going there to stay for respite care. We will see.

Adjusting to change

I gave up my full-time business and chose to return to work part-time as a Registered Nurse in acute care at my local hospital. This initially was to ensure reliable regular income during recession, not knowing what the future held. I hoped, in time, to obtain full-time work and prepare financially for fast approaching future retirement. After mother came to live, maintaining part-time work became important to enable me to be present for mother. I do need to work, and the part-time income makes the budget stretched. We manage if I'm careful, and Mother can afford the extras she may need.

Thoughts and feelings evolve and I learn alot about myself in the process of this journey.

I see taking on the responsibility for mother as an honour and a privilege. I would not exist, literally, if she had not born me. It also lines up with my Christian values and at the end of it all, I have to be able to live with myself.

There are times the responsibility can also feel an unyielding mental pressure, especially when I don't get a break or plans for a day off are sabotaged by circumstances.

I have found the reactions of others varied; some distance themselves, others feel sorry for me, some look at me as if I am stupid or analytically as if wondering when I’ll burn out or get dementia. I think that as cancer phobia historically was the big “C” to avoid, dementia is now the big “D”,  or shall I say, Alzheimers is the big “A”!

I question myself, and decide regardless of what others judgements are, I will do my best and resolved to make all decisions with a view toward mother’s health and welfare.

I now know ageism exists as I observe other people's (often sub-conscious) attitudes toward the elderly with dementia and their greying care-giving family member. I realise there is a lot of ignorance out there regarding dementia, even in the acute health setting, and shamefully confess I did not really understand the dementia sufferer myself, before taking on the care of mother. Now I can separate the individual intelligent person from the symptoms that mask them!

Sure I was (still am) idealistic, thinking I can be superwoman and can make life as perfect as possible for mother, supporting her through her final chapter of life. Then I despair as I realise I’m human and life is not perfect. It is a roller-coaster ride.

Supporting the elderly at home is a NZ government policy; in their social strategy for the elderly. (It is cheaper than providing full-time residential care). This policy, I've experienced, in reality is only as good as the government funded supporting services or agencies that enable a carer to support an elderly relative at home.

Mother qualifies for full-time residential care, but I believe her quality of life is better living with family, and agree with the government concept. Residential Aged care has been hitting the headlines and appears to have its own issues.

I worry as I wonder about how happy mother really is, and grieve over the changes she has to cope with. She has had her independence taken from her, robbed by the disease, multiple health issues and aging body. She is now dependent on care to survive with any quality of life. She is grieving too. I wonder is my home a prison to her..??

I can see that the roles have reversed, as I become ‘mother’ to my mother, and she is more child-like in her dependence. It is a privilege and is also an uncomfortable role. Sometimes I feel her resentment as she loses things (mother constantly shifts things around) and occassionally accuses me of moving them, she forgets and disbelieves me because she doesn’t remember. After all, Mother is used to being in charge and still bases her reality on her subjective experience and memory. Don’t we all?

I feel guilty if I have to access mother’s account to pay some of her costs. It was ingrained as a child; we would never dare to touch her money. The costs of running the home have increased dramatically and I am aware the NASC assessor told me that if I took on the care of mother, she had to pay her way. How much is that? I’m still struggling with this and haven’t had time to work it out. Mother is financially better off than when she came to live and her savings are growing. The Government is saving money. Wouldn't it be great if NASC provided a formula to assist family carers work out an equal and fair resolution?

Anxiety builds as I notice the stresses on my life and I try to balance needs. I also worry about my future health and finances as reality of being a working-carer evolves. No one will look after, or even know my needs but me, I am slowly realising. I must step up and take responsibility for me, if I am to survive this journey. Blogging is an outlet, and the odd coffee with girlfriends is an escape.

Mother has six offspring and multiple nieces and nephews, grand-children and great- grand-children. I’m concerned about the family that stay away and have distanced themselves from my home. I wonder do they struggle to accept mother is not the same social, outgoing, independent, autonomous adult person she used to be? Don’t they realise how precious time is and the day may come that she won’t recognise them?