I turned 60 over a few years ago and my husband is seven years older than me (<70). Both of us have been actively working in the work force, even though my husband is past retirement age. He likes to keep busy and physically active, being generally fit due to this. I would never have taken on being primary carer for Mother without his full support. My husband’s own Mother is deceased and I believe he enjoys having a ‘mother’ of sorts around. Besides they get on well, as husband has a sense of humour and Mother loves his good humoured jokes and teasing banter.
A summary of events (under) 2 years since taking on responsibility for Mother follows:
1. Mother had, over the years, repeatedly asked my husband and I if she could live with us if the need arose. We'd considered it seriously and had told her “yes”. Mother set POA up years ago for such a situation as this.
2. I found mother in a sad state and in need of assistance while I was recovering from surgery for a malignant melanoma in situ. I used my sick leave and annual leave getting Mother sorted and moved her geographically to live with me where I could take care of her. This was under her G.P and NASC guidance.
3. Family-of-origin reactions to the new arrangement for Mother were denial and unsupportive, which contributed to my stress. Silly really because family dynamics were always estranged and dysfunctional, with no closeness between siblings, as we all scattered as soon as old enough to get away from home. I guess I had idealistically hoped it would pull the family together. Not so!
4. Five months after Mother came to live; my husband had a heart attack. This was the first time I began to wonder whether having Mother had impacted on him more than acknowledged. Husband reassured me it hadn’t. That was when I found out how little back-up there is during a family emergency as far as finding Residential respite placement for Mother’s care.
5. Little did I know that this was just the beginning. Each serious medical event meant him being flown via ambulance flight to the next province to a larger hospital for specialist care (Waikato Hospital). It takes six hours (one way) to drive there, time off work and someone to care for Mother, which I was responsible for co-ordinating along with her Dr Appointments and medical needs being met. The physical, psychological, emotional strain and stress was felt acutely.
6. Eight months after that my husband suddenly took ill with what turned out to be a dissecting Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm. He faced the possibility of sudden death a second time, being urgently flown out again. The Aneurysm was able to be STENTed with a trouser-leg shaped EVAR that went along his aorta extended down each femoral artery.
7. I found this time with my Husband in life-threatening condition extremely stressful. How would I cope if anything happened to him? I was balancing being with him, seeing to Mother and working, taking sick/domestic leave to be present with my husband through the days of surgery and critical care. Finances were stretched.
8. During this time Mother needed hospitalization after a fall at her day-group, and subsequent increasing angina. My worst persecution came from a sibling during this awful time for visiting my husband while Mother was safe in hospital.
9. My poor husband never quite recovered from his EVAR surgical repair as he went on to have spinal claudication and circulation issues affecting his legs and walking. This led to being re-admitted four weeks post-op and more time in Waikato Hospital, as he had partial occlusion to his Right limb EVAR graft. A very depressing time for him. His heart deteriorated over this time.
10. Two months after the EVAR, My husband was transferred to the Cardiac Unit, urgently needing (and had) open heart Coronary Artery Bypass surgery (CABG X2), with his heart actually stopping prematurely before the surgery began, facing death yet again. He woke on life-support initially showing signs of a Stroke, which really freaked me out. It eventually wore off thank God and my husband finally was discharged home after 40 days and 40 nights in Waikato hospital.
11. As the stress of the first year built, I had carefully saved and planned a trip to the USA to visit my Son this year and reconnect with my 2yr old grand-daughter as something to look forward to. Tickets had been bought and at times I wondered if I’d make it, but we seemed to have survived the crises’ and my husband was finally home recuperating from his heart surgery. He was keen for me to go, knowing how much I needed the break. I planned for potential health needs and made up a folder for my husband with all medical information and contact details in case needed (as I had done for Mother). I also got my husband a medical alarm for emergencies. A trusted friend, that was one of Mother’s support carers, was contracted to oversee care for Mother in my absence. Mother’s Doctor was also appointed as my substitute regarding decisions for Mother’s health if I was out of contact in an emergency.
12. While home recuperating from the surgery, and I was overseas, my husband completely obstructed blood flow in the STENT to his Left leg and was urgently flown back to Waikato for more surgery; this time they did a femoral to femoral Cross-over EVAR graft.
13. My ‘holiday’ involved alot of phone-calls and worry regarding the latest complications and subsequent treatment for my husband. He finally came home two days before I arrived back (four weeks ago). He is still not quite walking around the block yet without having to stop and wait for blood flow to catch up! It doesn’t look as if my husband will return to work.
14. Mother has had some health dramas as well and continues on her slow path of subtle decline.
15. She recently collapsed at the hair-dressers, [see http://over60-motherandme.blogspot.com/ ] and appears to have deteriorated. Her Dr says it is subtle deterioration that continues to happen and I am noticing it due to being away for a break.
16. It is sad to watch, yet I make the most of precious moments, grieved that others of her children are missing out due to putting psychological blocks in the way to spending time with her while she is alive.
17. There never seems to be enough time to balance time with Mother, support my husband, work and build relationships with our ever growing family, particularly grandchildren, yet alone personal friendships, social and community commitments.
18. I have neglected my own health checks with prioritizing other’s needs. At present I am waiting for surgery, but am now being investigated for SBE, which can insidiously attack my heart lining and valves. I have a (known) mitral incompetence. I have lost 5kg. I also show mild signs of West Nile virus since being in the States (late summer).
19. I have no holidays due and sick leave was all used up with supporting Mother and my Husband. What happens if I can’t continue to work I wonder? I’m not at retirement age yet.
To sum it up, eighteen months after taking on the care of Mother, my husband and I have discovered our own vulnerabilities and physical health has deteriorated. Is it age, stress, a combination of circumstances or is it just a coincidental stage of life?? I wonder if this is a common experience for other baby-boomers?
